#30layers30days: day 3 – failure

failure
DAY 3 – FAILURE
 
How do you define failure?  What words and feelings come to mind when you think of it? What scares you the most about failure and how do you (consciously or unconsciously) avoid it?  What do you care about enough that you would risk failure, in spite of your fears, just for the experience of pursuing it no matter what happens?
i define failure as the inability to complete something, but generally through a lack of motivation and planning. if something fails – but was out of my control, failure isn’t the word that usually comes to mind. 
words and feelings that come to mind: disappointment. not only am i disappointed in the result, but more so, im disappointed in myself. the first time i ever failed a class, it was because i didn’t ask for help or put in the work. 
Failing-is-not-always-failure
i don’t think i’m afraid of failure, so much that i try to avoid it at all costs. lol. so that usually means NOT starting something so that i never have the opportunity to fail. procrastinating or putting off a task, coming up with a list of valid reasons or poor excuses as to why i can’t/won’t/shouldn’t. 
i know. i should know AND do better…
the one thing i care most about to risk failure, is the same reason i don’t. #failception. my son is worth everything – but failure is not an option as a single mom. there’s little safety net and room for error. parenting is hard enough without adding untested and unproven theories. kids and other major responsibilities are usually why people stay in jobs they don’t like for the sake of paying their bills. it’s not the ideal way to live – but what is? 
ugh. FINE.

ugh. FINE.

being safe and secure is more important than putting myself out on a ledge. small risks are doable. large ones? that time, unfortunately (or fortunately) has passed. 
(but ask me again in a year. lol).
[amy]
what’s your word? are you afraid of failure or do you just avoid it at all costs? 

#30layers30days: day 2 – upper limit

dreamcopy
DAY 2 – UPPER LIMIT
What is the highest level of creativity, responsibility, abundance, influence, accomplishment that you can realistically imagine for yourself?  How high do your dreams go?  What is your highest vision and do you truly, madly, deeply believe that vision can become a reality?
what a great question! 
  • creativity: my event planning business becoming self-sustaining or my writing being something that pays me
  • responsibility: im a mom. #nuffsaid
  • abundance: feeling guilt-free about large purchases
  • influence: my name meaning something
  • accomplishment: sky is the limit there i suppose!

for a somewhat creative person, i sometimes lack the ability to envision things. i’ve always been an active daydreamer – but i hold back from wanting to dream too big and then having a reality crash. so i dream as big as my mind lets me. my vision boards used to be full of the basic stuff that i felt would fulfill and make me happy. not to say they aren’t great things to want – but dreams should be limitless. 

put it this way – i would never want my son to dream the way i do. i guess that’s the mark of being a good parent no? 

goals

i’m at the point in my life where i feel like i’m at somewhat of a crossroads. there are other things that i want to do and try, but fear of having to start over (and failure) – keeps me on the sidelines. i used to want to plan events for the NFL, Oprah and great grand things. and while those would still be supremely awesome – i also know the same drive and passion for events isn’t what it used to be. i’m stuck on whether i’ll be doing events for the rest of my life. which when you’ve been doing something for almost a decade (sheesh) – the idea of that is scary. 

my goal in life is to be content. to be safe and secure. ask me these questions before i became a mom and the answers would be totally different. now? my dreams are no longer just my own. they aren’t just about me. leaving the field that i know and the career i’ve cultivated to pursue a dream isn’t a luxury that i have anymore. 

and make no doubt, dreams are a luxury. 

[amy]

what’s your word? do you dream to the highest heights? 

the surprising lessons of dating as a single mom

dating

dating in the year 2015 is rife with obstacles and potholes our ancestors would’ve ever foreseen. Sexting. Tinder. FaceTime. with so many ways to communicate – we don’t seem to be getting any better at it. the battle of the sexes rages on with no end in sight. 

throw a baby into the mix and it jumbles up even further. 

it took me a long time to change my mindset about myself to even jump back into the dating pool. to me i was a mother now, first and foremost. my sole and main priority was the health and safety of the child i brought into the world. there are too many unknown variables to bringing a stranger into your home and your child’s life to make it worth it. 

rules

i took a definitive stance early on, that i wouldn’t be introducing anyone to my son until a relationship was on solid ground. i didn’t want to be that stereotype of a single mom, with a rotating door of men, seeking to fill more than one void. however, i also didn’t want to be the mom that closes herself off to tightly, that the only testosterone i have in my life is the one that came from me. both can do damage to me and the man im trying to raise.

all of that on top of navigating how i feel about myself physically and emotionally… and you want to throw your hat up in the air and shut down. 

schmoney hat

except.. the heart.. wants what it wants. and loneliness can create a raucous noise in your mind and play vicious tricks with your heart. 

so i dipped a toe into the wading pool. i learned early on that the person i used to be – no longer existed. i had to be a lot more structured and planned. no one ever wants to come off as rigid, but when you have the care and welfare of another human being to consider – last-minute plans and let’s chill on some day at some time – doesn’t cut it.

one of the unexpected pros was the offspring forcing these dudes to actually formulate (and keep) a plan. long gone are the days where i would let the planner in me take over. also long gone are the dont-try-too-hard-let-the-guy-take-the-lead-so-you-dont-come-off-as-controlling. there now had to be a tightrope walk of being clear with ones limits of availability, while still letting the man be the man in the situation.

im exhausted thinking about it. 

LMFAO!

LMFAO!

being a mom isn’t something i was going to be able to hide (nor felt like i should), so it definitely eliminated some very early on. it’s hard not to feel some type of way – but people are entitled to date whomever they want. everyone has preferences, that’s just life. at this age and point in my life.. i’m not about the lets “talk” with no aim or goal on end. been there. done that. it’s like being in a long-distance relationships with no plan on being in the same place at the same time: pointless.

i mean.. this should go without saying right?!?!

i mean.. this should go without saying right?!?!

where men get it wrong, is that they believe because i want to date WITH PURPOSE, that it means i’m looking for a ring tomorrow. and a daddy for my son. i have make it be known in very CLEAR AND CONCISE language that i dont even know you and my kid is good now for the time being. of course i want him to have a father – it’s NOT going to be YOU ANY. TIME. SOON. so RELAX. can i just get to know you and you get to know me before we start adding stress layers to this cake? we haven’t even mixed the wet and dry ingredients yet.. calm yourself. 

F*CK OUTTA HERE.

F*CK OUTTA HERE.

woosah. 

i’ve experienced some of the same hits and misses that i did before. men not being clear or honest with their intentions. being stood up (which now came at a financial cost..which adds another element of frustration) and the usual can-i-come-over-and-chill-we-wont-wake-the-baby-i-promise type of requests. 

sigh. the more things change…

while out a few weeks ago, i was discussing relationships and pressures to have kids. i mentioned, that there would be no such pressure from me. and that’s when i had a lightbulb moment: there could be more pros and advantages to dating me than i had previously considered.

taking age and life goals into account (and the fact that i hit a grand slam with the offspring) – the pressure to procreate is off. knowing what we’re told about the statistics of our ovaries as we get older, doesn’t mean as much because if life decides not to make me a mother again (naturally) – i’m ok with that. 

i’ve finally learned to let it go (word to Elsa). i still date with purpose, but the primary purpose is to just enjoy myself the time and attention to being me, a woman. more than a mother. i’m learning to use my words and being clear with my wants. we, as women, are often made to think that we are doing ourselves a disservice by claiming our dreams of becoming a wife and mother. when we actually do more damage when we lie, fake and hide that. the person you have to hide from, isn’t going to become the person you show yourself to. 

there have been many lessons in just a short time and i’m glad i’m finally seeing it less about the cons and the disadvantages of being a single mother in the dating scene. we’re not going to be every mans cup of tea – but we don’t need to be either. 

and that’s perfectly ok.

[amy]

what’s your word? would you date a single parent? why or why not? let me know in the comments!